Parenting 101

There is no equation for parenting. Parenting is a hard gig that completely is based on the child and the parent. Something isn't always going to work for every parent or every child. That's why there is no solution or one size fits all when it comes to parenting. The question you need to ask yourself is, what do you want to accomplish in parenting. Do you want to have your kids be independent, love unconditionally, teach them skills, help them come to know God, how to manage money, help them gain self-esteem, know their self-worth, or help them know who they are? Whatever you want to accomplish with parenting, if you know and understand this then you can parent productively. A good website for tips and resources is https://www.activeparenting.com so go check it out. One thing I want to emphasize in this post is focusing on the child's needs and not just behavior when parenting. In moments of stress or despair, you may want to jump to only focusing on behavior, but what will really have an impact on your child? A lengthy lecture, a beating or punishment, maybe a hug or a talk about what was right or wrong or even how they are feeling in the moment and try to understand why they are doing or acting like they are. Children have several needs that need to be met including but not limited to: contact (physical contact, giving them a sense of belonging), power, protection, withdrawal, and challenge. Children need to feel like they have power over their decisions and over their life at times so that they don’t feel the need to rebel to get what they want all the time. They need to be protected and taught in a way that helps them understand their boundaries and the why's behind your protection. They need to learn how to take breaks from things and to go back at it after the break (teaches them to keep trying and also things in moderation can be healthy for them in many different ways). They also need to be challenged so that they learn that they can do more than they may think they can at times. As parents, if you focus on these needs then you will help your child reach their full potential. If you become a lawnmower parent (different than a helicopter parent) and don’t allow your kids to recognize or experience consequences in their life, then they will suffer immensely when they get out into the real world. If you focus on the child’s needs and allow natural consequences to occur, then that will help them learn more than you could ever teach them by lecturing them or punishing them. As a parent, you should offer contact freely, teach your child to contribute, give them choices (real choices not just between two things you have chosen), allow natural consequences to teach them (help facilitate that teaching), teach them to be responsible for things (especially their own actions), teach them to be assertive and don't punish them for it in times of frustration. Give them opportunities to be assertive. If you truly want them to be that way in the real world when you aren't there. Also, teach them to forgive because even if they are assertive, they will still get hurt so we have to teach them how to forgive those around them (you as a parent should be an example of this and should apologize or show your child when you are wrong and how to handle it). Overall, just love your child and help them learn and grow, not just to simply obey you. This can and will change their life. Helping them be able to make their own decisions when you are not their and how to accomplish things that are hard can do wonders. 

Father Involvement

Fathers are so very important. Fathers are to provide, preside and protect their families. The Article I will be referencing in this post will be linked at the bottom of this post. The first thing I want to talk about is how the father influences his family. The father is so essential to a child's social skill development. The father helps influence the children in a way that the mother can't, and vice versa. Fathering behaviors can have a lasting effect on the child's outlook and behaviors in life. Fathers have a bigger responsibility with their children then I think they realize sometimes. 

The second thing I want to talk about is how positive fathering can lead to academic success and even career success in the future. If the father has a positive outlook on school and education and respects the idea of learning and teachers teaching then the child will follow in that way. Research shows many other things like this when it comes to fathering. Positive fathering is much needed for the child's growth, development and success, especially when the mother's support is lacking. 

Fathers are so important for many different reasons. How has your father influenced you? For better or for worse? How do you want to influence your children or the people around you? What do you want to teach your children? Fathers usually provide for his family. This is important because the children need the mother in the home to nurture them and help them learn and grow and to build that bond with them. There have been several studies showing the negative effects of a mother working outside of the home, things like loss of income due to lifestyle changes because of jobs, kids not attaching to their mother, not having extra money because things that were once luxury are now a necessity because of the cash flow that is readily available. It becomes harder for the mother to stop working because of that very reason. The family now depends and relies on her income to support their lifestyle. 

My father definitely influenced me a ton while he was in my life. My father died suddenly when I was 15 years old. I can definitely see the influence he was able to have on me and my older brother compared to the little influence he was able to have on my little brother and sister just because of our age when he died and how long he was in our lives for. Things have definitely been different without him in my life. I can see what my younger siblings are lacking from what my older brother and I have because of his influence. My dad taught me so much from soccer/sports tips or budgeting and saving money and being thrifty, to working hard for the people and things that we love. 

In my future family, I want to allow my husband to have an influence on my children in a positive way. I think one way that I can make this happen is by always speaking positively about my husband to my children. I don't ever want them to have to take a side. I want my husband to feel like they are his children too and that he isn't just a child himself that I am also taking care of. I want us to make decisions together regarding our children. I want them to look up to my husband. I want him to be involved, even if he doesn't have too much time to spend with them, just making sure he gives quality time. 

I think another way to ensure positive fathering with my husband and children is allowing my husband to preside, provide and protect our family. I will definitely support him in all his efforts and help him as well. I think helping him fulfill this will be a great example for my kids to witness. They will come to know what kind of man my husband is and how they can be more like him. Don't ever underestimate the power and influence that fathers can have on your children. It can change their lives, so let it. 


How Father and Father Figures Can Shape Child Health and Wellbeinghttps://thefatheringproject.org/fpwp/wp-content/.../11/New-Fathering-Research.pdf

Communication is Key

Communication can be very confusing. Do you sometimes feel like you are operating a walk-in talkie that is on a different channel than the person you are trying to communicate with? I definitely feel like this sometimes. Are we expecting the person we are talking to “get the hint” about what we are saying or the reasoning behind asking them what we asked them? I am guilty of this as well. Communication is so important because even if we encode what we are saying in a different “language” that we think the person will hopefully understand, doesn’t always mean that the other person will decode the message how we expected or wanted them to. Communication is important for understanding and knowing expectations. There are 5 key steps to communication that I want to share. The first step is the disarming technique. This is when you find the kernel of truth in what someone says when you have a disagreement. It may be hard at times but if you find one simple little truth in what the other person is saying then they will feel validated, their guard will go down and it will also help yourself be humble and willing to listen to why they feel the way they do. The second step is to express empathy in thought and feeling/emotion. It is good to decode and encode back to the person breaking down what you understood from how they are feeling and what they said to clarify. The third step is to inquire. Talk more with that person to further clarify and to ask them if you understood them correctly and explain why you may have been wrong. It shows them that you care, you want to speak and hear the truth, and that you are willing to listen and understand them. People often repeat things h til they are convinced you to hear them and got what they were saying. The fourth step is to explain a moment in the argument starting with the when (situation, event), I feel (emotions), because (thoughts), and I would like (share hope). If you fill in these blanks then the person can fully understand why you are feeling the way you are and how they can help the situation. The last step is to express genuine, authentic, admiration and appreciation. Make sure you are avoiding any forms of corrupt communication such as sarcasm, being passive aggressive, giving the silent treatment, or anything gag is impure or not the real deal. Talk about things and help clarify. Communication is not a bad thing and can solve a lot of your problems. I hope these 5 steps can help improve your communication with everyone around you.

Under Pressure🎶

What is stress? Stress is placing importance on something. It can also be defined as pressure. A bridge needs pressure to hold it up and our bones need stress, pressure or gravity to allow them to grow. So, stress is not always a bad thing. I want to start out by talking about the difference between stress and distress. Distress is extreme anxiety, sorrow or pain. So, we tend to misuse the term stress when actually stress is something good for us to help us grow and to give us good pressure to motivate us to do more than we may think at times. Today, many people see stress as bad and negative, even if it may be good stress. People are becoming more and more stressed out by things that they probably shouldn’t. What are some things that stress you out sometimes that may actually be good and healthy to help you learn and grow? I know I can definitely think of a few. Imagine your life with no stress at all. What would motivate you to get out of bed, to go to school or work, to pay your bills or do get anything worthwhile done? I know I would have a hard time managing my time if I was never under any kind of pressure to get it done. Just think of all the hardships in your life that you may have been through. When you are sharing that experience with someone you may explain how hard it was, but I always find myself saying how grateful I am for those experiences because they have taught me so much and I’ve grown closer with those that helped me through it. If you are the person that thinks that keeping your stress inside and to yourself, that actually isn’t the best and won’t help you relieve it and balance it. If you think about 4 people standing in a circle holding hands and someone tugging on one person shoulders the others compensate for that and share the pressure, so it makes it easier for that person. If they were to all let, go and not help then they would all still be affected by the pressure and would probably fall down. This is the same in real life. If you try and handle distress by yourself then it will end up affecting everyone around you anyways but if you include them in it and share that burden, then it can be evenly distributed and balanced. Another way to think of it is if you just accept that life is difficult it won’t matter if it’s difficult anymore.

Another thing I want to talk about is what your brain tells you. Your brain is just an organ and can’t tell between truth and lies and it just simply processes what you tell it. So, depending on what you tell your brain (yourself) that is what your brain will take as truth. If you tell yourself every day that the world is a terrible place with bad people, then your brain will process that and then continually make you aware of things that are harmful or bad for you. It will become very negative just because of what your brain now thinks is true. That is why depression is so vicious. Ask yourself, “How many tragedies have I suffered in my life that never occurred?” or in other words, what have you told yourself that your brain processed as truth and now you act on that lie as true and suffer because of it. Just think about it. Simple things you think can turn into a truth in your brain. So be careful what you think and what you tell yourself repeatedly. Try to stay positive and it can help your stress levels too, both positive and negative stress. 

Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy is something often avoided or not talked about by adults but maybe sometimes discussed too much by teens and younger children. I want to talk about things that aren't normally discussed and how understanding your own desires and body can help you have a more fulfilling marriage and relationship as well as help your children understand what sexual intimacy is and how to approach talking about it with them.

First off, I want to help you understand how to be comfortable in intimacy. One big part about being comfortable is knowing how to communicate and what to communicate to your partner. This starts with trusting them, loving them, being committed to them, practicing over and over and your willingness to be open and honest with them. Communication can work miracles when it comes to sexual intimacy. Your partner may not even know what you like or what feels good to you and at that moment you need to communicate that to them. Things can naturally become more or less sensitive in different moments and one thing that worked or that you liked before may not work in a different moment. This is why you need to communicate. The male and female bodies are very different and require different approaches when it comes to sexual intimacy. Males tend to get aroused quicker and orgasm quicker than women and this can be a struggle for many. This is where communication comes in. You need to trust your partner and be willing to understand them and focus on them. Men and women sex drive also peak at different ages, men being at the age 18-19 years old and women being around the age 30-35 years old. This can either be difficult or it can be a blessing. This vast age range can help rekindle the fire in later years and also keep things going a lot longer.  Also, after men are satisfied it will usually be 2-3 days and then the drive will go up whereas, with women, they will usually be more aroused right before their period. This can cause some issues just like the other things if the male feels like the wife may not want him for other reasons when in reality her hormones and body just says otherwise. It is nothing personal. After sexual intimacy, a male is typically tired and just wants to eat or fall asleep whereas women want to cuddle and be close. This can be hard and the women may feel as though the man just got what he wanted and is done with her. Again, this is just something the body naturally does and he isn't trying to ignore the women. It will take some work to communicate what works best and how you feel so that everyone is satisfied and validated. Also, if the women are stressed or thinking about other things or things she needs to get done, she will most likely not be easily aroused and when a man is stressed or has a lot on his plate he will be easily aroused and will want to be satisfied to relieve that stress. So keep that in mind when you are trying to help your spouse. Just remmeber that having good sex is not natural and is actually quite rare unless practiced and communicated very thoroughly and thoughtfully.

So, as we understand more about our own sexual intimacy with our spouse you can better help your children learn about it in the right way. You can help them know how to communicate with you as parents and then later on with their spouses. You can help them understand how it will be a learning experience and how it is something very beautiful to be shared as husband and wife. Obviously teach age appropriate things to your children but it should start around the age 6 or 7 if not even sooner than that these days. Start simple when they are toddlers but if they ask questions be willing and prepared to respond. Don't rely on schools, teachers, or other kids to teach your children about these sacred things. It is important that they have the right outlook and perspective when it comes to such a delicate thing.

Define Dating

What does it mean to date? Is it "hanging out"? Is it getting together with friends? What is dating? The definition of dating is defined by Wikipedia as, "a stage of romantic relationships in humans whereby two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in an intimate relationship or marriage. It is a form of courtship, consisting of social activities done by the couple, either alone or with others. Going on a friend date or calling other things dates that are not an interest in a romantic relationship should not be called dates. This is where we are going wrong. Just like the definition of gender has changed the word date has changed and now means so many different things. How are we to know what to expect when asked on a date? What does that truly mean? We as a society and as humans have the choice to choose to perpetuate the culture of dating as we know it or to change it. We have the choice, but we do not get to choose the consequences. Why do we keep repeating and retrying the same dating tactics which come naturally to us and expect different results? I feel as though we see this, especially in the Latter-Day Saint culture. There is so much evidence behind going on actual dates and dating multiple people and what that can do for our future relationships opposed to dating someone steadily right away or just hanging out with groups or people. We see in so many other cultures how this has gone wrong and we go and do the same thing. Why are we so afraid to be different and do things that will actually help us and the people we interact in? If we don't build relationships while dating how do you expect to build a relationship while being engaged or married. Building a relationship prior to marriage is key. Making decisions together and communication is everything. That is marriage.

So how do we change our thinking? First, let's talk about some of the things holding us back. Some excuses I've heard from not wanting to go on actually planned dates is because it costs too much money, takes a lot of effort, you have to be super outgoing, people want to focus on their education, there may not be a whole lot of opportunities to date, there is a negative connotation with going on dates with lots of different people (may be seen as a player), or maybe there are too many options. These are just a few things that can hold us back from dating. There are so many ways around all of there though. Dating doesn't have to cost a ton of money. Get creative. The date will mean more to the other person in the end because it won't be your typical date. Be willing to put yourself out there. Be vulnerable, it will show the other person that you trust them and that you honestly want to get to know them and be yourselves. Don't be afraid to be different. Go on a date where you laugh and have fun, where you get to see who the other person actually is and how they act in certain situations. That's what dating is all about. This will help you prepare for marriage so much because like I said before that is what marriage is all about, making decisions together. If you never get to see the person you are interested in have to make a real decision then you are not helping yourself or your future relationship. The same mindset can be used for courtship and marriage as well. Get creative, have fun and make lots of decisions together. This will help you grow closer and learn more about each other while having fun. So what is dating going to mean to you?

Open Your Mind, Not Your Heart

In the Mormon culture, often times we move very quickly into marriage and the steps leading up to marriage. In the world, people often take their time and live together and wait years before they get married. Do we really understand what marriage is and how important this step is in our lives? Why don't we take this big step very seriously? We focus on the wedding day, event or reception, we focus on what we are going to wear, who will be there, what the ring will look like, etc., but we often fail to focus on the one thing behind all of this preparation: actually being married and what that means and how everything will work after the wedding day. We focus so much on the details of the event and we forget to prepare ourselves for the marriage part and often times this leads to divorce or complications down the road. Why aren't we willing to postpone an engagement to focus on school? Why do we feel the need to rush and get married between semesters, so it "works" with our schedule? That isn't a foundation I would want my marriage set on. There are a lot of things I've learned this week about how boys and girls bodies work and how certain chemicals in our body sometimes lead us to believe that we are in love, when we are actually just confusing ourselves. There is a chemical in everyone’s brain called oxytocin that is released to allow you to feel attachment. Women have a significantly higher amount of this chemical than men do. This chemical can be released just by simply sitting on the couch next to someone. Sometimes we often confuse this feeling of attachment with love. If you are hanging out with someone and get this burst of chemicals being released, all of a sudden you feel more attached to that person. Your body soon begins to get confused. You were just hanging out with this friend of yours and now you like them? There was a diagram that was illustrated to me that outlines the process we need to take when creating relationships. The first thing is to get to know someone. What does that really mean? Does it mean spending 24/7 with them for a month straight? Does it mean getting to know their favorite movies and activities? It takes 3 months to start to get to know someone. Knowing someone isn't just knowing what they like but it is coming to know how they are in different situations. Just knowing their preferences isn't going to help you in marriage. Marriage is much more than just hanging out and spending all your time with the person you marry, in fact it is far from that. Marriage is making decisions with another person that will affect both of you. If you never have to make decisions while you are dating or engaged because you stop going on dates, just hang out, do homework together, and spend all your time together then you will not be prepared for marriage. After you get to know someone (3 months at least) then you begin to trust that person. After you learn to trust that person you begin to rely on that person. Then you are ready to commit to them (meaning, start dating them seriously, not skipping to being engaged). After you are committed then physical touch comes next. If any of these steps precede the one before it then there will be issues, especially when it comes to physical touch. Physical touch releases that chemical called oxytocin and messes everything up. If you get physical too quickly then you skip the important steps of getting to know that person, gaining trust, learning to rely on them an being committed to each other. To most people if not all, those are the things people seek in a relationship. They want consistency, no surprises. Once you get physical, all of that is out the door because your brain tells you that you are happy and in love, but you don’t even know the person. This is why we see abusive relationships and other unhealthy relationships because the people feel like they can't leave because their brain tells them that they love this person that they don't even know. They skipped the important steps. I have a lot more I could share with you, but I may have to save it or another post. I just want everyone to realize how big of a step marriage is and to not take it lightly. It isn't worth the lasting, not to mention eternal consequences it can have on you and your spouse. If you would like to know more about the dating process, the statistics and the worldly process that seems to be failing us, please leave some comments and I would be more than willing to do another post with more details on this topic.