Divorce & Blending Families

Have you ever heard that 50% of all marriages end in divorce? Well, that’s not true. The divorce rate has been falling and now there is about a 75% chance that couples will stay married. Those are some better odds that may make you more likely or willing to get married. Another shocking statistic is that 70% of divorcees say, just 2 years after divorcing, that they could and should have saved the marriage. 70% of men get remarried only 2 years after divorcing. 72% of people die still married to the same person they married. 62% of marriages that are remarriages with children end in divorce. It may seem like the odds are against you at times but here are some things to consider. It takes blended families, on average, 2 years for some sense of normalcy to occur. When you are blending families there are some things you should be aware of. You may be bringing 2 different cultures together. Your parenting styles are likely to differ immensely. You carry experience and baggage, whether it be positive or negative. This can be hard at times but with lots of communication, these things can work. Just because you have talked about it though doesn’t mean it is going to work right off the bat. Just because you are on the same page theoretically, doesn’t mean that it will look the same when putting into practice. So, it may take multiple times of talking it over until you are truly on the same page both mentally and in action. When blending families, it is important that the birth parent is the one disciplining their children. This may be harmful if the stepparent is doing the disciplining because they don’t have a bond or connection with that child compared to the birth parent. This could push the child further and further away and make them resent the step and birth parent. Once that bond is broken or you have pushed away, it will be hard to fix that relationship. Children are usually very sensitive in this stage of divorce, death or remarriage and need to have a sense of security and stability. Children need to have their needs met. This is the most important thing. As a stepparent, if you strive to meet the child’s needs then they can start to bond with you and become attached because meeting their needs may be one of the most important things in their lives at that moment. It will build that trust between the two of you and will also show them they can rely on you and that you care about them. When it comes to divorce, there are different stages of divorce. There is emotional divorce when the emotional connection is gone between partners. This may occur before, during or after the divorce. The legal divorce, when you are legally not married anymore. Economic divorce, when you figure out the nitty-gritty things, like who’s debt is who’s. Parental divorce, when you figure out how to divide up the children. Community divorce, when you figure out who gets to be friends with who. And psychic divorce, when you finally accept that you are not married anymore. Something to keep in mind if you want to have a clean divorce is to not think of the other person as the adversary. This will help you with the divorce and will help your children still have a relationship with the other parent. Divorce and blending families are not easy. I’ve experienced this in my own life with my dad passing away suddenly when I was barely 15. It isn’t easy and I wouldn’t say that there is one equation for every situation. Just remember that this is a sensitive time for everyone. Someone’s happiness is coming from someone else’s tragedy when blending families, whether it be because of a divorce or death. Just remember at times to take a step back and try to see things from the other persons perspective, whether it may be the stepparent, the birth parent or the child’s perspective. 

Family Rules- The Unspoken

Do we have unspoken rules and expectations within our family or certain relationships? I can think of a few unspoken rules that my family had that were never necessarily said to me, but kind of just learned. One rule was that we all ate dinner as a family. No one ever said we had to or made a rule about it, but it was just expected of us. We also always went to our siblings’ activities or sports games to show our support. We also always knew which seat at the dinner table was moms and which one was dads. The kid’s seats didn’t matter but we knew where our parents sat, and we would all fight to sit near them for dinner. I still have expectations or unspoken rules that my husband doesn’t know about and that I may get frustrated at him for not following at times. This isn’t fair to him either. When we grow up with certain rules, we expect others to live by them as well. Whether it be roommates, companions or spouses. It is very important to talk about these things with your fiancé before you are married and make sure you are both on the same page. I think it is always easier when my husband knows and understands my expectations and when I know and understand his expectations. It helps things run smoother then it would have otherwise. Also, just because we vocalize our expectations doesn’t mean they are correct or right or something you should enforce in your family. That is a conversation you and your spouse need to have. You are the ones who decide what you want to perpetuate and teach within your family. Being on the same page will help with this tremendously. Something else to remember when you are creating these unspoken rules, even if you may not even know you are, is that you are the example for your children. Whether the unspoken rule is something positive or negative, they will pick up on it. It also depends on the feedback we give to our children when enforcing rules. If the feedback is positive it will probably be something that they will want to incorporate in their life later on, but if they are always getting negative feedback, they will either know that that isn’t something you want them to do and also, they won’t want to perpetuate it into their future lives and families. As an individual, you can evaluate your life and your decisions and rules and pick the things you want to perpetuate and start practicing that in your own life. Then, when you find a partner then you two can discuss what would be the best for the two of you and your family. It is important that this decision is made together or there will end up being expectations that are unknown, and people will become dissatisfied. There will be miscommunication, and this can affect way more than just the things you want to teach your children, but it can lead to a lot of hardship, hurting and struggle in your relationship as husband and wife. Think back to some of those unspoken rules that your family had. How did those play a role in your life back then and how are they playing a role in your life now? Look around you and try and observe maybe others unspoken rules. Observe the rules you know and see if they naturally follow those. You may start to see that most do not. This is something to think about. Begin to be aware and try to see things from others perspectives, as this can help you so much in the future when you are trying to understand your spouse’s unspoken rules or ideas he brings to the table.