Divorce & Blending Families

Have you ever heard that 50% of all marriages end in divorce? Well, that’s not true. The divorce rate has been falling and now there is about a 75% chance that couples will stay married. Those are some better odds that may make you more likely or willing to get married. Another shocking statistic is that 70% of divorcees say, just 2 years after divorcing, that they could and should have saved the marriage. 70% of men get remarried only 2 years after divorcing. 72% of people die still married to the same person they married. 62% of marriages that are remarriages with children end in divorce. It may seem like the odds are against you at times but here are some things to consider. It takes blended families, on average, 2 years for some sense of normalcy to occur. When you are blending families there are some things you should be aware of. You may be bringing 2 different cultures together. Your parenting styles are likely to differ immensely. You carry experience and baggage, whether it be positive or negative. This can be hard at times but with lots of communication, these things can work. Just because you have talked about it though doesn’t mean it is going to work right off the bat. Just because you are on the same page theoretically, doesn’t mean that it will look the same when putting into practice. So, it may take multiple times of talking it over until you are truly on the same page both mentally and in action. When blending families, it is important that the birth parent is the one disciplining their children. This may be harmful if the stepparent is doing the disciplining because they don’t have a bond or connection with that child compared to the birth parent. This could push the child further and further away and make them resent the step and birth parent. Once that bond is broken or you have pushed away, it will be hard to fix that relationship. Children are usually very sensitive in this stage of divorce, death or remarriage and need to have a sense of security and stability. Children need to have their needs met. This is the most important thing. As a stepparent, if you strive to meet the child’s needs then they can start to bond with you and become attached because meeting their needs may be one of the most important things in their lives at that moment. It will build that trust between the two of you and will also show them they can rely on you and that you care about them. When it comes to divorce, there are different stages of divorce. There is emotional divorce when the emotional connection is gone between partners. This may occur before, during or after the divorce. The legal divorce, when you are legally not married anymore. Economic divorce, when you figure out the nitty-gritty things, like who’s debt is who’s. Parental divorce, when you figure out how to divide up the children. Community divorce, when you figure out who gets to be friends with who. And psychic divorce, when you finally accept that you are not married anymore. Something to keep in mind if you want to have a clean divorce is to not think of the other person as the adversary. This will help you with the divorce and will help your children still have a relationship with the other parent. Divorce and blending families are not easy. I’ve experienced this in my own life with my dad passing away suddenly when I was barely 15. It isn’t easy and I wouldn’t say that there is one equation for every situation. Just remember that this is a sensitive time for everyone. Someone’s happiness is coming from someone else’s tragedy when blending families, whether it be because of a divorce or death. Just remember at times to take a step back and try to see things from the other persons perspective, whether it may be the stepparent, the birth parent or the child’s perspective.