Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy is something often avoided or not talked about by adults but maybe sometimes discussed too much by teens and younger children. I want to talk about things that aren't normally discussed and how understanding your own desires and body can help you have a more fulfilling marriage and relationship as well as help your children understand what sexual intimacy is and how to approach talking about it with them.

First off, I want to help you understand how to be comfortable in intimacy. One big part about being comfortable is knowing how to communicate and what to communicate to your partner. This starts with trusting them, loving them, being committed to them, practicing over and over and your willingness to be open and honest with them. Communication can work miracles when it comes to sexual intimacy. Your partner may not even know what you like or what feels good to you and at that moment you need to communicate that to them. Things can naturally become more or less sensitive in different moments and one thing that worked or that you liked before may not work in a different moment. This is why you need to communicate. The male and female bodies are very different and require different approaches when it comes to sexual intimacy. Males tend to get aroused quicker and orgasm quicker than women and this can be a struggle for many. This is where communication comes in. You need to trust your partner and be willing to understand them and focus on them. Men and women sex drive also peak at different ages, men being at the age 18-19 years old and women being around the age 30-35 years old. This can either be difficult or it can be a blessing. This vast age range can help rekindle the fire in later years and also keep things going a lot longer.  Also, after men are satisfied it will usually be 2-3 days and then the drive will go up whereas, with women, they will usually be more aroused right before their period. This can cause some issues just like the other things if the male feels like the wife may not want him for other reasons when in reality her hormones and body just says otherwise. It is nothing personal. After sexual intimacy, a male is typically tired and just wants to eat or fall asleep whereas women want to cuddle and be close. This can be hard and the women may feel as though the man just got what he wanted and is done with her. Again, this is just something the body naturally does and he isn't trying to ignore the women. It will take some work to communicate what works best and how you feel so that everyone is satisfied and validated. Also, if the women are stressed or thinking about other things or things she needs to get done, she will most likely not be easily aroused and when a man is stressed or has a lot on his plate he will be easily aroused and will want to be satisfied to relieve that stress. So keep that in mind when you are trying to help your spouse. Just remmeber that having good sex is not natural and is actually quite rare unless practiced and communicated very thoroughly and thoughtfully.

So, as we understand more about our own sexual intimacy with our spouse you can better help your children learn about it in the right way. You can help them know how to communicate with you as parents and then later on with their spouses. You can help them understand how it will be a learning experience and how it is something very beautiful to be shared as husband and wife. Obviously teach age appropriate things to your children but it should start around the age 6 or 7 if not even sooner than that these days. Start simple when they are toddlers but if they ask questions be willing and prepared to respond. Don't rely on schools, teachers, or other kids to teach your children about these sacred things. It is important that they have the right outlook and perspective when it comes to such a delicate thing.

Define Dating

What does it mean to date? Is it "hanging out"? Is it getting together with friends? What is dating? The definition of dating is defined by Wikipedia as, "a stage of romantic relationships in humans whereby two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in an intimate relationship or marriage. It is a form of courtship, consisting of social activities done by the couple, either alone or with others. Going on a friend date or calling other things dates that are not an interest in a romantic relationship should not be called dates. This is where we are going wrong. Just like the definition of gender has changed the word date has changed and now means so many different things. How are we to know what to expect when asked on a date? What does that truly mean? We as a society and as humans have the choice to choose to perpetuate the culture of dating as we know it or to change it. We have the choice, but we do not get to choose the consequences. Why do we keep repeating and retrying the same dating tactics which come naturally to us and expect different results? I feel as though we see this, especially in the Latter-Day Saint culture. There is so much evidence behind going on actual dates and dating multiple people and what that can do for our future relationships opposed to dating someone steadily right away or just hanging out with groups or people. We see in so many other cultures how this has gone wrong and we go and do the same thing. Why are we so afraid to be different and do things that will actually help us and the people we interact in? If we don't build relationships while dating how do you expect to build a relationship while being engaged or married. Building a relationship prior to marriage is key. Making decisions together and communication is everything. That is marriage.

So how do we change our thinking? First, let's talk about some of the things holding us back. Some excuses I've heard from not wanting to go on actually planned dates is because it costs too much money, takes a lot of effort, you have to be super outgoing, people want to focus on their education, there may not be a whole lot of opportunities to date, there is a negative connotation with going on dates with lots of different people (may be seen as a player), or maybe there are too many options. These are just a few things that can hold us back from dating. There are so many ways around all of there though. Dating doesn't have to cost a ton of money. Get creative. The date will mean more to the other person in the end because it won't be your typical date. Be willing to put yourself out there. Be vulnerable, it will show the other person that you trust them and that you honestly want to get to know them and be yourselves. Don't be afraid to be different. Go on a date where you laugh and have fun, where you get to see who the other person actually is and how they act in certain situations. That's what dating is all about. This will help you prepare for marriage so much because like I said before that is what marriage is all about, making decisions together. If you never get to see the person you are interested in have to make a real decision then you are not helping yourself or your future relationship. The same mindset can be used for courtship and marriage as well. Get creative, have fun and make lots of decisions together. This will help you grow closer and learn more about each other while having fun. So what is dating going to mean to you?

Open Your Mind, Not Your Heart

In the Mormon culture, often times we move very quickly into marriage and the steps leading up to marriage. In the world, people often take their time and live together and wait years before they get married. Do we really understand what marriage is and how important this step is in our lives? Why don't we take this big step very seriously? We focus on the wedding day, event or reception, we focus on what we are going to wear, who will be there, what the ring will look like, etc., but we often fail to focus on the one thing behind all of this preparation: actually being married and what that means and how everything will work after the wedding day. We focus so much on the details of the event and we forget to prepare ourselves for the marriage part and often times this leads to divorce or complications down the road. Why aren't we willing to postpone an engagement to focus on school? Why do we feel the need to rush and get married between semesters, so it "works" with our schedule? That isn't a foundation I would want my marriage set on. There are a lot of things I've learned this week about how boys and girls bodies work and how certain chemicals in our body sometimes lead us to believe that we are in love, when we are actually just confusing ourselves. There is a chemical in everyone’s brain called oxytocin that is released to allow you to feel attachment. Women have a significantly higher amount of this chemical than men do. This chemical can be released just by simply sitting on the couch next to someone. Sometimes we often confuse this feeling of attachment with love. If you are hanging out with someone and get this burst of chemicals being released, all of a sudden you feel more attached to that person. Your body soon begins to get confused. You were just hanging out with this friend of yours and now you like them? There was a diagram that was illustrated to me that outlines the process we need to take when creating relationships. The first thing is to get to know someone. What does that really mean? Does it mean spending 24/7 with them for a month straight? Does it mean getting to know their favorite movies and activities? It takes 3 months to start to get to know someone. Knowing someone isn't just knowing what they like but it is coming to know how they are in different situations. Just knowing their preferences isn't going to help you in marriage. Marriage is much more than just hanging out and spending all your time with the person you marry, in fact it is far from that. Marriage is making decisions with another person that will affect both of you. If you never have to make decisions while you are dating or engaged because you stop going on dates, just hang out, do homework together, and spend all your time together then you will not be prepared for marriage. After you get to know someone (3 months at least) then you begin to trust that person. After you learn to trust that person you begin to rely on that person. Then you are ready to commit to them (meaning, start dating them seriously, not skipping to being engaged). After you are committed then physical touch comes next. If any of these steps precede the one before it then there will be issues, especially when it comes to physical touch. Physical touch releases that chemical called oxytocin and messes everything up. If you get physical too quickly then you skip the important steps of getting to know that person, gaining trust, learning to rely on them an being committed to each other. To most people if not all, those are the things people seek in a relationship. They want consistency, no surprises. Once you get physical, all of that is out the door because your brain tells you that you are happy and in love, but you don’t even know the person. This is why we see abusive relationships and other unhealthy relationships because the people feel like they can't leave because their brain tells them that they love this person that they don't even know. They skipped the important steps. I have a lot more I could share with you, but I may have to save it or another post. I just want everyone to realize how big of a step marriage is and to not take it lightly. It isn't worth the lasting, not to mention eternal consequences it can have on you and your spouse. If you would like to know more about the dating process, the statistics and the worldly process that seems to be failing us, please leave some comments and I would be more than willing to do another post with more details on this topic. 

The why's behind Homosexuality

It has been very interesting this week having my eyes opened to new ideas and being able to see the topic of homosexuality in a new light. I hope you can also have your eyes opened to this topic and be able to see the evidence behind all of the ideas presented. I think this is a very interesting topic and can be sensitive to many people. As I learned more about homosexuality I learned that gay men have very high rates of depression and loneliness. My theory for this, just like most of the public, was that gay people were just sort of outcasts in the eyes of society and that would be the leading cause of their depression. As I learned a little more about this topic I came to realize that statistics show most gay men struggle with having a good, supportive father figure in their life. Many of these men were molested, abused, and belittled while growing up. If you think about people you may know who are gay, think about at what stage they decided that they were gay. On average kids are developing a lot during the ages of 5, 8, 13, and 15 years old. Most boys during this age are also going through a lot of change, not including the abuse and depression that may be going on from a home situation. Boys are in school and trying to fit in. What happens if they don't fit in with the guys or they may be a little more compassionate or tender compared to a manly man? They are made fun of or cast out. They tend to get along with the girls better while having an inner struggle and desire to be accepted by the boys. Think about how you feel when someone who you feel is out of your league or above you in a social class. How do you feel when they finally talk to you or acknowledge you? For me, I feel excited and surprised. Just like my reaction to someone unexpectedly talking to me that I thought didn't even know I existed, these gay boys growing up can have a similar experience with the boys who did not accept them in the first place. So, if you look t this boy who has no guy friends or interactions, no good male role models in their life and a male acknowledges them for the first time, I would be excited too and want more of those interactions. This often times leads to a fulfillment that that boy needs through another male interacting with him. This idea soon turns into seeking for that fulfillment. I mean I understand what is going on in the boys head, but sadly he does not. He doesn't realize that the underlying issue is that he is seeking for a good relationship with a male, not necessarily a sexual relationship but a male in his life that cares about him and respects him because he's never had that in his life. To me, this concept was very eye-opening. I can take a look around me and think of the gay men that I know and see how their upbringing was very similar to this example and how this just demonstrates that they didn't necessarily choose this life but they did because of other issues. I just think this is an important topic that may be awkward for some but is definitely that needs to be discussed more so boys growing up in this way can receive some help and not have to turn to this lifestyle because of other issues deep down. Statistics show that most gay men still have depression. Having sexual interactions aren't helping the situation but are more of a temporary fix for what's really going on. Please become informed so that we can help inform those struggling with this and help them fix what's really going on so that they can find real happiness an not just seek their whole lives for something that can't be there without some mental help.

Culture as we know it

How can a person choose the aspects of a culture that they like and want to keep and how do we keep them in our family throughout the generations to come without perpetuating the bad ones? That is a tough question. I want to focus on that question as I talk a little bit about Tammy and her family (I have a link below that explains her story/situation) and how she and her family can relate to each one our families. Tammy struggles with finances, being able to provide for her kids, struggles to set an example for her children and lacks the time and education to parent them and be there to support them. I think the question above can seem simple to some looking at certain situations. We just simply choose the things we like and put them in our lives; but what if we can't help ourselves? What if we do not know about the resources that are available to us to get us out of a certain situation? Here are just a few things that could have helped Tammy and her family an can also help each of us "escape poverty" or become a little better in our lives. The first thing to figure out would be to know how to access your resources. Knowing what aid is available to you and knowing how to use it in your life not just to support you but to become more self-sufficient. Education can be one of those resources. There may be other resources needed to get you to this step such as funding and time but there are ways. Education can help everyone in so many ways: help to get a better job, be able to make more money and provide for your family, allow you to gain knowledge and connections with people you would not have to help you otherwise. Having a religion can also help you be more consistency and teach you good habits that will help you be more responsible and willing to try harder or try in a different way. There have been studies done about waiting to have kids until you are married and how that can help you escape poverty. Finishing high school is another step closer to gaining a better education so you can change your future and the future of your family. That simple influence can change a child's life. Getting a full-time job can also teach you so much about who you really are and show you and others how dedicated you are and how willing you are to work hard for the things you need and love. So to answer the question above, you first need to figure out what you want in life. You need to evaluate your effort and figure out where they are being spent and maybe change some things so that your priorities can have a chance. I think as an individual focuses on bettering their life it will naturally set an example for others around them to not only reach their own goals but use you as a resource for help. It is easier said than done from my own experience but it is possible. It is worth the sacrifices at the moment to have a better life in the long run for myself and my future children. It is easy to lean toward what we are familiar with but do not be afraid to break the chain, to step out of your comfort zone and take a risk. I know for me I want to change my culture in some ways. They may not seem huge to some people but I know that those small changes will change me and change the future of my children. Change your culture. Choose your culture.

Tammys Story- People Like Us Episode #4

The value and challenge of family science research

The value and challenge of family science research


In the world today it is hard to find various research on families in general but specifically families all around the world. It shocked me to find out that the United States really are the only people taking this topic seriously. I know it can be valuable to so many people around the world and in different countries. Surprisingly a lot of the world bases their statistics about the family off of the United States where it may not be quite the same for them in their own country and culture. It definely is a challenge for them though because they don’t have the resources and funds to head that research themselces.

We are privileged in the United States to have this type of access to so many different resources. But, are we really using it to the best of our advantage?  There have been several studies done that are very biased towards one group or to one Side of the research.  I wouldn’t really say that this research would be valuable to us because it is so skewed.  I think we have great resources in the United States but we could be better at using them and find different ways to actually find research that can help benefit our communities instead of just trying to find evidence that proves one side is right over the other.  Often times researchers use very specific control groups  that don’t really represent the United States as a whole but more specifically that specific group. I think family science research can be very valuable to our community because there have been studies done that show how much the statistics can change our society for the better. But it is also hard to change the culture with the statistics if people are not willing to open their eyes and see what the statistics are really showing or can prove in their life.

I think one way we can all allow this family research that is being done become more valuable in our lives is know what the reserach means and how to know what the studies really show and if it is a good study or not. You need to look for big sample sizes and see who the group of people are that they are studying and see if it is really what they say they are studying. Make sure that it’s not too specific for such a big broad claim. Know before you vote or take a stance. Read the research for yourselves and don’t buy into the schemes of the researchers who are skewing the data to try and prove a point. Research shows that traditional families are more successful but that isn’t what the world or the media want you to believe. Do your own research and open your mind and eyes. See the true value in the research being done.

Meet Natalie!

Hi everyone! I'm Natalie Oldroyd. This is my very first blog ever and I'm so excited to get to share insights with all of you about the family. I've been married for 1 1/2 years to the love of my life, Todd Oldroyd. I'm from Southern California. I'm currently attending BYU-Idaho, studying family and marriage studies. I want to change the world through strengthening the concept and practices within the family unit. I have a love for the family, but especially the wonderful family that I've been blessed with, from extended family to in-laws I love them all. I hope this blog helps broaden your ideas about the family and allows you to grow a deeper love and passion for it as well. I appreciate all the comments and questions you have!